A Definitive Ranking of V-Day Sweets

By Emma Ryan

 

So your boyfriend, girlfriend, dog, acquaintance, stalker (mom) got you candy for V-Day. Let’s assess the damage.

Disclaimer: These are humble opinions and I actually love Sweet Tarts.

Pez Dispensers: 1/10

These were cool when you were five. Like, really cool. Sadly, you’ve outgrown this stage of your life. I don’t know about you, but I’d take this as a slap in the face. We can all agree that the candies inside are not cool, or even tasty.

Mixed Bag of Candy: 3/10

THIS IS NOT HALLOWEEN. I don’t know what you’re trying to get out of a bag of Twix and Hershey’s, but it does not express love. I will not be saying trick or treat, thank you very much.

Hershey’s Kisses: 4/10

Can we be any more cliché? I’m all for chocolate, but we can do better than this, people! You’re a sophisticated eater with a palette which craves more than milk chocolate that melts every time it touches your fingers! Say it with me now: you deserve better.

Sweet Tarts: 6/10

It’s classic with a sweet message. It kind of shows they care, if you don’t think about its placement in the candy aisle (right at the front). However, it’s far better than some of the other weird ones: think Valentine’s Day gummies.

Box of Truffles: 8/10

Hey, big spender, spend a little time with me. You’re overjoyed. You won’t complain if it’s Russel Stover, but there will be extra points given if they go for the Godiva.  

Ferraro Rocher: 10/10

It’s the top of the line; the Ferrari of chocolate. Everyone deserves a giant box of these this Valentine’s Day. The hazelnut and chocolate is a legendary combo (Nutella is from the same company). Pro tip: dip the Ferraro Rocher in Nutella. You’re welcome.

 

Screw your S.O, buy the candy for yourself. You deserve it! Happy V-Day to all, and to all a sweets-filled night!

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